Why do we fail with our New Year Resolutions and what can we do about it?

Christmas is over and we are already a month into the New Year. Resolutions have been made and some of us have hit the point at which we’re struggling to maintain our resolutions.

It's important to recognise that personal change is not easy for most people and of course it requires motivation, commitment and perseverance. Our brains are wired for gratification and if that gratification is delayed our motivation can fall away.

At some point you will have contemplated and identified your goal and decided that you are ready to change your behaviour with some awareness of the barriers that make that difficult. You will have prepared yourself and will have started to successfully implement your plan for achieving your goal, only to find that after a good start your motivation begins to wane and you fall back into old patterns of behaviour. So, what can you do about this?

For a start, don’t beat yourself up about it! You’re only human and it’s okay to slip up sometimes. Let’s re-frame the thinking that is applied to a notion of failure: Instead of saying to yourself, “This is hopeless. I will never achieve my goal,” try to think something along the lines of, “Okay, so I slipped up yesterday but today is a new day and another opportunity to get things right.” Imagine that you’re pressing a reset button in your mind.

Often people are unable to achieve their goals because they have not fully prepared themselves at the initial stage. Laying a solid foundation for change in ourselves is essential. This could involve the following activities:

• Write it down. When we commit our thoughts to paper, we reinforce our intention both mentally and visually. I suggest writing out your goal on a Post-it and placing it somewhere where you know you will see it at least daily or preferably several times a day. You could upload it as an image on the screensaver of your mobile phone.
• Be clear about the barriers to change and what steps you could realistically take to overcome those barriers. For example, if eating too many biscuits is a problem and you know you simply can’t resist them then choose not to buy them anymore.
• Remind yourself of any risks associated with your current behaviour and the rationale for change.
• Prepare an action plan. It doesn’t need to be anything elaborate. In fact, the simpler and easier it is the better. Can your goal be broken down into small manageable steps?
• You could make a Pinboard of statements or images that you find motivating to help you keep on track.
• Tell other people who you know would be supportive. They will encourage you or you may find a local support group or therapist helpful.

Once you have a good foundation in place it is time to put your plan into action. At this stage it is useful to think about how you may reward yourself as you begin to reach your targets. For example, if you have managed to lose a kilogram in weight, how are you going to reward yourself for that achievement? It wouldn’t be a good idea to treat yourself with food, but you could treat yourself to a healthy activity that you enjoy.

Consider putting some strategies into place for occasions when you might feel tempted. Again, if you are trying to lose weight and you are going out for dinner, you could look at the menu online in advance and decide what would be the healthiest option beforehand, thereby minimising the risk of a spur of the moment decision to make a less healthy choice.

Do you know that it is normal to fail in achieving our goals? Success often requires several attempts. Most people will relapse into well-established patterns of behaviour because our brains are “hard wired” in that way. If we want to change, we need to develop and reinforce the desired behaviour repetitively in order to form new neural pathways. Unfortunately, many people become so disappointed and frustrated with themselves that they just “throw in the towel.” Don’t give up! This can be a learning opportunity; a time to review your progress so far, evaluate what worked for you, where you went wrong and consider if anything needs adjusting. Was there something that triggered your relapse? What could you do differently next time? Take some time to remind yourself of the steps taken in the planning stage and see if any improvements could be made. What steps could be taken to avoid a relapse in the future?

If planning and reviewing progress is something that you find difficult then I can help you with that process. As a former SEN lecturer, I am adept at action planning and breaking goals down into smaller, achievable targets. Solution Focused Hypnotherapy is another modality that I use to help people rewire their brains and make desirable changes in their lives.
​
Finally, please be kind to yourself. A little self-compassion can go a long way. Keep going. Every time you fall back, pick yourself up again with your goal clearly in sight. A Chinese proverb that I use to motivate myself is, “The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.”
 
 

Today is World Mental Health Day. Mental health is such an important aspect of my life personally, as a carer and in a professional role as hypnotherapist and mindfulness teacher. I feel passionate about mental health and the need to reduce the stigma and prejudice associated with mental illness. Sadly, many people are fearful about discussing their mental health struggles yet 1 in 4 of us will experience a mental health problem at some point in our lives. For the benefit of anyone experiencing difficulties at the moment, I have listed 5 ways in which you can take care of your emotional health and well-being:

1. Acknowledge your feelings. Take some time to sit quietly and notice and observe how you are feeling. Are you feeling stressed? Are you feeling anxious? Is your mood low or are you feeling depressed? What is troubling you? Acknowledging and connecting with our feelings is the first step to taking control of them rather than feeling overwhelmed by them.
2. Prioritise self-care. Do whatever makes you feel better within yourself. When I feel stressed I need to do something physical; it might be housework, gardening or exercise. Remind yourself about something you really enjoy then make the time to do it.
3. Go for a walk and connect with nature. Walking in green, open spaces is therapeutic for mind, body and spirit. Try to connect with nature by noticing the sights and sounds in the natural environment. Autumn is a wonderful time of the year. I like to walk through piles of dry leaves on the ground and notice the sound of them crunching beneath my feet. Deeply breathe in the fresh air and imagine any worries or concerns being lifted from your shoulders as you exhale.
4. Time is a very precious resource but the most important thing we can do is to make time for ourselves. Endeavour to make time to rest mentally and reduce stimulation overload. Give your brain and your mind a break. Switch off the smartphone, laptop, PC, tablet or TV for a while and do something else instead. You may choose to spend some time in meditation, listening to some calming music, chatting to friends or family, engaging in a relaxing hobby or pastime or reading a book.
5. Talk! Don’t keep your feelings bottled up inside. Please find a trusted friend, colleague or family member to talk to about how you are feeling. If you are feeling suicidal, are experiencing suicidal thoughts or hallucinations then arrange an appointment with your GP as soon as possible or contact your local NHS mental health crisis team.

Finally, if you find it difficult to relax, to switch off mentally and you would like to do learn how to do that, then please get in touch. 

This is Children’s Mental Health Awareness Week. More than 850,000 children and young people in the UK have been diagnosed with a mental health problem. For personal reasons, this is a matter very close to my heart – something that has had a huge impact upon my family life across two generations. The fact is for many people mental health problems begin in childhood and adolescence. Too often these problems go unnoticed or misunderstood until the child reaches crisis point.

Often what is mistaken as “bad” behaviour is actually a manifestation of a child’s state of internal distress. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes children are just plain naughty, but if there is a consistent pattern of unacceptable or unusual behaviour then something may be wrong in the child’s inner world. Younger children don’t have the vocabulary and the emotional maturity to realise that there is a problem, so often they just “act out” their feelings. Older children and adolescents may also find it difficult to vocalise their feelings and some tend to “bottle things up” or to become withdrawn.
​
Many people don’t realise that children are just like adults in as much as they experience a vast range of emotions and may be prone to depression, anxiety or mood disorders as well as other problems. Unfortunately children are less well equipped than adults to process their emotions and they may end up feeling overwhelmed. Headaches and tummy aches are common ways in which physical symptoms are the expression of an emotional problem such as bullying or separation anxiety.

Children and young people nowadays have to deal with a great deal of pressure; to conform to parents’ and teachers’ expectations to achieve good grades, to look good, to deal with social media and present a certain image to their peers. For sensitive children it may be just all too much.

Sadly, bullying is another common problem which can cause long term health problems. Bullying can actually cause neurobiological changes in the expression of a gene linked to mood, predisposing victims to mental health problems as they get older. Worse still, it may lead to suicidal thoughts and suicidal attempts. Depression affects every aspect of a young person’s life including self-esteem and self-confidence, friendships and relationships, academic achievement and employment prospects.

All too often children’s mental health is overlooked. Yet mental health problems affect 1 in 4 people every year. Modern life is so busy and we’re all just getting on with things. We expect our children to do the same, but sometimes they just can’t manage it. There is a stigma associated with mental health problems making it difficult for parents and children to open up and ask for help. As a nation our level of “emotional literacy” could be better, but things are improving and the stigma associated with mental health problems is beginning to diminish.

If you are concerned about your child’s emotional state and behaviour, don’t struggle on alone; don’t be afraid to seek help. I work with parents to help them cope with parental stress and anxiety and I work with children and young people to help them to cope with whatever is bothering them. Do get in touch if you are worried about a child. I hold a valid DBS Certificate and I am a qualified teacher and SEN lecturer trained in counselling, as well as being a hypnotherapist. If for any reason I think that I would be unable to help your child, I would signpost you to the appropriate services.


​


​© Tracy Daniels and rainbowhypnotherapy.co.uk, 2016 – 2017. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to Tracy Daniels and rainbowhypnotherapy.co.uk with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.